My kids come from a long line of sore losers. Both my husband and I grew up playing competitive sports and that mentality has never really left us. It doesn’t matter what it is, card games, video games, darts, or corn hole at a BBQ, we get into heated competition and the loser is always kind of a bitch for a while afterward. Unfortunately for my kids, they seem to have picked up that embarrassing habit. Now don’t get me wrong, healthy competition and learning to be a team player are high on my priority list for my kids. But when my four-year-old playing U6 soccer starts screaming at his teammate because the other team has scored a goal, it’s gone a bit beyond healthy competition.
My oldest has a natural athletic ability that many young kids don’t seem to have. He has gotten a lot of praise from a young age for his strength, coordination, and balance. Which has also led to his unrealistic expectation that he will be the best, or near to it, at any kind of athletic activity. His first year of soccer, he had a great time, but he was also INTENSE. There’s a video floating around somewhere of him trying to tackle a kid on the other team after they scored a goal, then the parents from our sideline exploding into action to stop him before it actually went down.
I would say that for the majority of kids, activities and obligations year-round from a young age are not necessary or advised. But for my oldest, he needs regular physical exertion to be a normal functioning human. He seems to be on par with high energy dog breeds like our huskies. If he does not get enough exercise, he becomes a destructive asshole. So, after the soccer season ended, we began looking for the next activity for him to try.
His birthday is in November, so he had just turned 5 when the basketball camp began. The camp was a mix of kindergarteners through second graders on each team and though my son was only in TK (transitional kindergarten), we figured he was athletic enough to join in. The first day there, he got his ass handed to him. Not only were the majority of kids on his team newbies, but the opposing team contained multiple kids that had been playing for a number of years. We spent the next few days (what seemed like weeks…months…years…) explaining that the best way for him to get better is to play with kids more talented than him. Trying to get him to take this lesson to heart has been tough, and we're still working on it. He fucking HATES losing.
Baseball was a whole other fiasco, mostly because it’s boring AF and he was stationary for most of the games. And seriously, why the hell did we sign him up for a sport where he doesn’t get any energy out?! He was either sitting on the bench in the dugout or standing around in the field watching other kids strike out. Then after the game he had the energy I would expect an ultra-marathoner to have, which needed to be burned off before we could wrangle him into the car, but I digress.
We realized that we needed to find something where he could lose more frequently, but on a smaller scale. After a lot of research, I landed on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I specifically picked BJJ because it was a martial art where they wouldn’t teach my little hothead how to punch or kick better than he already does (he's also got some anger and impulse control issues, but that's a post for another day). He has been participating in the jiu-jitsu classes at least twice per week for almost six months, and the change in his attitude has been drastic. There’s something to be said for a place where he gets his ass kicked daily. It seems nothing is more humbling for him than having someone much smaller pin him to the mat in the blink of an eye.
Now don't get me wrong, he hasn't given up his competitive spirit, far from it. But losing more often has helped keep his anger about losing in check. While he gets frustrated when he’s not the best, he has started to learn by watching his peers. Instead of getting pissed that he didn’t win, he will take pride in one move that he did well during the game. Even playing his second season of soccer with a U8 team, where they have lost almost every game, he hasn’t had any unruly outbursts on the field. Last year that would have been unheard of.
I'm not saying that martial arts, or even sports, are necessary for kids. Every kid is different and as a parent, it's important for us to recognize that each kid will thrive in different settings. But the lesson is the same no matter the activity. Having smaller scale losses/failures on a more frequent basis can help them to adjust to the fact that they will not win at everything in life. It shows them that sometimes you have to work your ass off to succeed, even when you have natural ability. It shows them that many times they can learn how to be better at something by failing, even spectacularly, the first time around. And maybe, if I'm lucky, they can learn from their parents that while competition can be fun, being a sore loser just makes you an asshole.
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