For those of us with large families and social anxiety, the holidays are fucking exhausting. When I was a kid and even through college, having a variety of places to go for each holiday made it fun and exciting. With divorced parents and friends that are like family, there were usually two to three stops each holiday. Adding in a significant other and kids have added an absurd level of stress. The holiday season changed from being a time to cook and have cocktails and revel in the chaos of a big family, to a time when my husband and I argue more than the rest of the year combined.
When I was younger, I was a bit of a people pleaser, which may be shocking to those of you that know me now. Even if an event was something I didn't really want to attend, I would go anyway because its was expected of me. I always saw my older brother basically saying "Fuck off!" to everyone's expectations. I was halfway between thinking he was a total dick for not spending time with his family (he never had anything else going on, he was just being a "rebel") and envying him for always putting himself first.
When I started dating my now husband, taking time away from my family during the holidays was a sore spot for me. I was used to a very large family with lots of kids running around, partying, and altogether too much nonsense. My husband, on the other hand, is an only child, has parents that are much more reserved than my crazy family (though in all fairness, it's not hard to be more reserved than my family), and it was quiet. To me, it didn't feel like a real holiday without all the craziness. We would get into arguments every year about whose family we were visiting for which holidays and who we did a certain holiday with last year. I finally got to the point where I was sick of the fighting. I wanted to know ahead of time and take the question out of it. We finally decided on Thanksgiving with my dad and his wife, Christmas Eve with my husband's parents, and Christmas Day with my mom and her big crazy family. At first this pissed everyone off. They felt like they weren't getting the time they deserved. But I finally started taking a page out of my brother's book. Sometimes you have to do what's best for your family and everyone else can get the fuck over it.
I've also come to realize that while the big and crazy family events can be fun, with my anxiety it can also be overwhelming. With aunts and uncles, up to seven of my cousins' families, and a shit ton of little kids chasing each other through the house with Nerf guns and anything else they deem worthy of being a projectile, there is an excessive amount of noise. When it's summertime and we're having barbecues and all the kids are outside, it's a lot easier to handle. But when it's cold AF and the kids are all cooped up inside, the noise level is intense. This phenomena is not isolated to large family gatherings, just having my three hellions stuck inside can make the noise level intolerable. It amplifies my anxiety to a sometimes unbearable level. So last year, when it was time to join my crazy family, we opted outside instead.
We did a low-key Christmas morning with my mom and then went for a long and very cold hike, just my immediate family. On the average day, treating our kids like sled dogs generally pays off. If we exercise the hell out of them, they're somewhat calm and better behaved for at least a short period, for the rest of the day if we're really lucky. The calmness of being in the mountains was much more appealing to me than the chaos of the family gathering.
But it's a trade off. I love my family and I know my kids love time with their cousins, but it's also not worth having panic attacks and being wildly uncomfortable the entire day every single year. This year we are hosting my mom's family for the whole, big fiasco. As with everything else, it's a balance. Saying "YES" when I'm able, but realizing that while the word "NO" might piss some people off when it comes to attending their holiday events, it can also be the best form of self-care to get through a stressful season.
Tonight as we told the kids it was time to get ready for bed, our house was utter mayhem, as usual. My 6 year old has a special talent for riling up any other kids in sight, making them all unruly little jerks. When I was finally about to blow a gasket, he decided that instead of getting his pajamas on, he needed to take a 20 minute dump. I was being pretty patient, giving him time to do his business, but for fucks sake kid, shit or get off the pot.
Finally, after approximately enough time had elapsed for the earth to orbit the sun, he got off the toilet, and I gently encouraged him to get his ass in his room and put on his pajamas. He started fucking around, completely naked, doing yoga poses (the crow pose is still his favorite) and watching himself in the mirror instead of getting his pajamas on. He then began complaining about how he really needed to pee, so would I move so he could get to the bathroom. My thoughts at this point went something like this: "Fuck that dude! You just sat on the toilet for 20 minutes and have been dicking around since you got in your room, the least you can do is put on your pajamas before you leave your room again." I told him a gentler version of that, but made clear that he needed to stop goofing off and put his pajamas on before he could vacate his room. He again, said he needed to pee. So I again, said if he has to pee so badly, then he should probably get on his GD pajamas more quickly. Apparently his instincts for self-preservation are terrible, because he looked me straight in the face and peed on the carpet in his bedroom. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
There's no lesson here. I'm still in awe of his chutzpah. Don't get me wrong, I was pissed (no pun intended) and immediately left the room to cool my rising temper. But after I walked away I also laughed really fucking hard at how ballsy that kid is. I'm trying to figure out the exact right consequence for the little jerk and also trying to determine how many years this kid is going to take off my life from the stress of dealing with his shit.
And FUCK, if this is six, how are we even going to make it to the teenage years, much less survive them...
I've also come to realize that while the big and crazy family events can be fun, with my anxiety it can also be overwhelming. With aunts and uncles, up to seven of my cousins' families, and a shit ton of little kids chasing each other through the house with Nerf guns and anything else they deem worthy of being a projectile, there is an excessive amount of noise. When it's summertime and we're having barbecues and all the kids are outside, it's a lot easier to handle. But when it's cold AF and the kids are all cooped up inside, the noise level is intense. This phenomena is not isolated to large family gatherings, just having my three hellions stuck inside can make the noise level intolerable. It amplifies my anxiety to a sometimes unbearable level. So last year, when it was time to join my crazy family, we opted outside instead. 